It's been seven months since I moved out of my so called boyfriends' apartment. We have a child together, he is almost four. Why did i move out? Well, that's a long story....I would be so relieved to get out of my heart. While a lot of this blog will be about him initially, most of the need for this blog is to try and gain some understanding as to why I feel that I deserve to be in fruitless relationships. I need lots of therapy, but I'm not quite there yet. So, I guess I'll let it out here. Writing is relaxing to me. If I'm a bit vague, you'll have to excuse me; I'm exhausted from the excruciating 37 years of being neglected, verbally abused, physically abused, abandoned by mom and dad and while I would like to end it there, I'm afraid I can't because the truth is there is much more. The more feelings I release, I'm sure I'll be on a role in no time.
OCD/ALCOHOLIC/CHILD OF AN ALCOHOLIC MESS, is what he was. (AKA Mr. B) Mr. B is the last boyfriend I would have for a very, very long time. I met him while trying to escape a physically abusive boyfriend in 2005. He likes to take credit for the departure from the "psycho guy," but it wasn't him at all, Jesus opened my eyes.
Mr. B ended up being too much to handle a month after meeting him,I just didn't have the strength to leave after surviving the worst nightmare of my life, aside from my childhood.....but that's another story for another time. Mr. B's drinking was so sloppy and annoying, I thought I would lose my mind then......and I did. I lost more than that. Still have a hard time figuring out what I love, like, you name it. I'm confused and tired. Need a break from guys for a lonnnnnng time. Finally feel strong enough to be alone, although it is lonely. I certainly understand the saying, "I'd rather be alone and lonely than with someone that makes me crazy and lonely." I could see resemblances of my late mother in him, for sure. I guess despite those early red flags, I still thought I deserved to be miserable. Yes, my self-esteem was tarnished years ago. Mom used to take me to cop her dope..... you know mommy-daughter time,( All the moms are doing it). Amazingly, I was never harmed physically, just mentally. Truth is I'm a mess too. I've been a mess and have never received counseling for any of the many tragedies that I have endured. I think I'm at a place now where I finally would like to start sorting through some of this mess. Mr. B is in rehab and has been for two weeks. He is supposed to go to a six month treatment program, so maybe it's finally my time to take a deep breathe and look at why I think I deserve to be mistreated. Why do I mistreat myself? I love people, used to loving talking to people and always wanted to help others. My way of coping with my own demons.....helping others and now years later, I have nothing left. I'm lucky if I even any energy to raise a four year and an eleven year who is by another man. That's even another story and yes you got it......for another time. I miss her though; I think she sees me as a raging bitch after six years with Mr. B. I unleashed my sharp tongue on Mr. B everyday that I had to watch him kill himself with poison. That's how my mother died too,(dually addicted) but much more tragic.....murdered. A drug run gone wrong, thank GOD I wasn't with her at that time. Never have forgiven myself. Not something I focus on, just think it's locked deep down inside somewhere waiting to come out and be released.
Much of the need to get well is for both of my children. Think about myself, do you think it's going to take a lot of hard work? It'll probably be a bit exhausting too, but why not be exhausted by ME instead of OTHERS. I should of thought of that a long time ago. Nah, too hard, or is it?
I'm a little tired......I blog more later. Thanks for listening.
Sweetheart
